PLA wipes Internet after Bo Xilai’s son reverses Ferrari over migrant worker on ‘If You Are The One’
By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent
Bo Guagua: apart from the occasional gaffe, said to be a lonely, sensitive man
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has moved to erase the Internet, after the son of disgraced official Bo Xilai reversed his red Ferrari over a 16-year old migrant worker during a special live edition of hit dating show If You Are The One.
Bo Guagua’s appearance was originally scheduled to be a low-key affair, with Bo bicycling into the studio whistling an upbeat revolutionary tune and carrying a posy.
But a bizarre series of mishaps, multiple rewrites and production purges led to Bo instead being winched via crane into the open-air studio in a specially commissioned red-and-yellow Ferrari.
“Everything that could go wrong did go wrong,” said a witness. “The chain started to break, Bo panicked and started the engine, the car was in reverse gear, the worker wandered on set at precisely the wrong moment… un-fucking-believable.”
The ‘perfect storm’ of online outrage immediately which ensued, termed ‘Memeageddon’ by digital experts, sent China’s rumour-hungry blogosphere into meltdown, forcing the government to wipe the entire Internet in an attempt to conceal the scandal and calm the situation.
After receiving the go-ahead from the Politburo, the PLA’s Internet division has executed Order 66, a reserve strategy designed to neutralize any domestic scandal of a magnitude capable of destroying the Party in a single devastating stroke.
The Order has only been used once before, in 1996, when a webcam in Jiang Zemin’s bedroom accidentally broadcast the elderly leader in his underwear, dining on the corpse of a young virgin.
UPDATE: [Editor’s note: Without Internet, we are forced to rely on traditional newsgathering forms, rarely practiced today. As a consequence, much of the information is sourced from ‘conversations’ and ‘interviews,’ unverifiable by Wikipedia]
It has emerged that Bo’s appearance was part of a special edition of the popular dating show If You Are The One, approved months previously by China’s Ministry of Culture – or MiniCull, as it is popularly known – at the urging of Bo’s publicity-hungry father, Bo Xilai.
The show’s exact content may never be known, however, due to the complete eradication of all records. However, the migrant worker has been identified as Li Huiling, a young Chengdu girl in search of a wealthy husband to help pay for kidney treatment, after being poisoned by a frozen dumpling at the backstage buffet
Sayaka Ando
Ayumi Kinoshita
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